Arrange Marriage with 20questions

lovely presentation. I guess we just have to believe. sometime stupidity n however irrational process it may be.. can work.. may work.. will work.. now I will work on 20questions.;)

http://vimeo.com/22309808

Pratically Arranged

Being single only means constant questioning and my lovely tier-1 friends & well-wishers keep sending me interesting forwards/articles/link..anything and everything related to relationship/marriage. one below was the recent and very nice written article to got. I can totally relate..

Twenty nine years old(In my cases couple of years more.:) and smugly single, I consider myself to be a part of the niche clan of people who have never quite achieved their potential(may be I did or rather maximize very possible opporunity), are lazy(which iam..some what), know they can do much better and aspire only for the best. We are that clan of people who can talk sense and are always open to trying out new things.

We also have aspirations of meeting the perfect one who looks like Monica Belluci and can talk intelligently on literature, music and movies and also be an ideal woman at home. Yes, we aspire nothing less than the superwoman(translation: i can admit i also do have sometime/on somethings/. unrealistic expectations ) but we are rational and practical enough to know our limitations ( oo yes that we do)- that we are mostly Clark Kents and Peter Parkers (without any superpowers).

Over-zealous Aunties/Uncles Inc:
Thanks to the over-zealous aunties and uncles and of course, my dad, who believes that I need to be tied in the "bonds" of holy matrimony and thus fill the void in my life and thus prove my mettle as a man... I am in the dreaded place that is more commonly-known as "the arranged marriage process".

The eagerness of the "concerned" elders, I believe is more to absolve themselves of any remaining responsibilities towards me. I have felt the entire gamut of emotions ranging from despair to desperation thanks to these aunties and uncles especially the ones who have grey hair, bald patches or both. The most common question they put across to me is "What type of girl do you want? ", which is usually followed by, "Do you want a working-type girl or housewife?"( that is such irratating questions) The fact remains that such questions drive me away from the sight of grey hair in any function. Ironically the older these uncles get, they tend to be more sensible in their advice as they mention about waiting for the right girl and going slow :)

Arranged Marriage, a Compromise?
Honestly, arranged marriage is a compromise one makes. You have little time to analyse the stakes or the nature of the opportunity; you are usually sold on the pros, and accepting the cons is a step which is very difficult to make. The time factor becomes the sword of Damocles hanging over your head - so you don't have a choice but to make your decision quickly!

Bearing the above, one must remember that my generation is a confused lot for starters. We find it difficult to let go of Doordarshan serials and admire their simplicity but still want to live a life like Barney Stintson or Robin Schebartsky of How I Met Your Mother! Hope however makes us believe that we can evolve the arranged marriage process and tune it to our constraints.

Achieving "status quo"
With the little experience I have, (thanks to my observation and listening skills), arranged marriage seems to work when you have made up a sketch in your head. Of course, this sketch becomes relevant only after matching horoscopes and family compatibility verification - which is another litmus test and usually is purely subjective. Post that, most men are scrutinised under the following criteria:
a) Decent job with a decent profile and good money (has to be more than what the woman earns for sure!) irrespective of industry or domain.
b) Presentable looks and speaking skills.
c) Reasonable bad habits (Read: Drinking at pubs, etc allowed but not to be publicly declared, smoking a strict no-no at least for appearance sake).

So, if someone fulfils all three above categories, he is a potential life partner. Rest of the parameters are "give or take" wherein all things considered compromises can be made. Lack of common interests can be usually negated, newer tastes magically acquired and pursued in order to achieve status quo. The key aspect being that major points are ticked off and the rest you go with an objective of adjusting and reconciliation.

Screening Prospective Brides
Of course, the trend ensures that men also usually judge the girls on the following parameters only:
a) Looks.
b) Relative smartness.
c) And finally, the ability to make the man feel that he is the hero of her dreams and the apple of her eye.

The irony today lies more in the prevalent lack of faith that all things will fall in place and this makes the prospect of arranged marriage seemingly more archaic and painful.

Things to Consider
I sympathise with the women who are getting their marriages arranged as well. Why? Because they are brought up on par with men like me and enjoy all the freedom and experience similar to their counterparts. Marriage thus demands that they make a much greater sacrifice than the modern man. This is something men have to understand deeply and thus gauge a person not only through their parameters but also do their best to balance the expectations of their future wife and their parents. Having said that, the women of today have to be clear in their head about the level of responsibilities that marriage brings on their shoulders where the presence or absence of the in laws result in equally big responsibilities. The numerous constraints put on us by our culture and to a certain extent, the crazy real estate prices make it difficult to start a life post marriage easily in a new setup.

Arranged Love, Anyone?
I feel for today's women I meet but at the same time can't help but expect her to be a superwoman. I am not hypocritical when I say the above as I can definitely assure that whether she remains a Louis Lane rather than a Bat Girl, I would definitely become the best Bruce Wayne that I can be. One thing that still remains unchanged is the aspect of love which makes a Louis Lane live with all the quirks of Superman and still trust him when he flies away at night:) The key is to try and fall in love with the person you are arranging your life with( provided you have arranged someone who has those potentials/"It could work" feeling otherwise I feel it won't). The rest, as they say, will fall in place.

Arranged Marriage

Thanks to Angie, I landed on this wonderful piece from NewYorker

Theirs was the second-to-last house on the road. The road ended in an asphalt circle called a cul-de-sac, and beyond the cul-de-sac was a field of corn. That field had startled Amina when she first arrived—had made her wonder, just for a moment, if she had been tricked (as everyone had predicted she would be) and ended up in a sort of American village. She’d had to remind herself of the clean and modern Rochester airport, and of the Pittsford Wegmans—a grocery store that was the first thing she described to her mother once she got her on the phone. When Amina asked about the field, George explained that there were power lines that couldn’t be moved, and so no one could build a house there. After she understood its purpose, Amina liked the cornfield, which reminded her of her grandmother’s village. She had been born there, back when the house was still a hut, with a thatched roof and a glazed-mud floor. Two years later, her parents had left the village to find work in Dhaka, but she had stayed with her grandmother and her Parveen Auntie until she was five years old. Her first memory was of climbing up the stone steps from the pond with her hand in Nanu’s, watching a funny pattern of light and dark splotches turn into a frog hiding in the ragged shade of a coconut palm.

Nanu had had five daughters and two sons, but both of Amina’s uncles had died before she was born. The elder one, Khokon, had been Mukti Bahini during the war, while the younger, Emdad, had stayed in the village so that her grandmother wouldn’t worry too much. Even though he was younger, it was Emdad her grandmother had loved the best: that was why she’d kept him with her. When you tried to trick God in that way, bad things could happen. Emdad had died first, in a motorbike accident on his way to Shyamnagar, delivering prescription medicines for her grandmother’s pharmacy. Two months later, Khokon had been killed by General Yahya’s soldiers. Those deaths were the reason that Nanu had become the way she was now, quiet and heavy, like a stone.

Little by little, over the six months that they’d spent e-mailing each other, Amina had told George about her life. She’d said that she came from a good family, and that her parents had sacrificed to send her to an English-medium school, but she had not exaggerated her father’s financial situation or the extent of her formal education. She’d explained that she’d learned to speak English at Maple Leaf International, but that she’d been forced to drop out when she was thirteen, because her father could no longer pay the fees. She’d also confessed that she was twenty-eight, rather than twenty-seven years old: her parents had waited a year to file her birth certificate so that she might one day have extra time to qualify for university or the civil-service exam. Her mother had warned her to be careful about what she revealed in her e-mails, but Amina found that once she started writing it was difficult to stop.

She told George how her father’s business plans had a tendency to fail, and how each time one of those schemes foundered they had lost their apartment. She told him about the year they had spent living in Tejgaon, after having to leave the building called Moti Mahal, and how during that time her father had bought a single egg every day, which her mother had cooked for Amina because she was still growing and needed the protein. One night, when she had tried to share the egg with her parents, dividing it into three parts, her father had got so angry that he had tried to beat her (with a jump rope), and would have succeeded if her mother hadn’t come after him with the broken handle of a chicken-feather broom.

Sometimes she got so involved in remembering what had happened that she forgot about the reader on the other end, and so she was surprised when George wrote back to tell her that her story had made him cry. He could not remember crying since his hamster had died, when he was in second grade, and he thought it meant that their connection was getting stronger. Amina responded immediately to apologize for making George cry, and to explain that it was not a sad story but a funny one, about her parents and the silly fights they sometimes had. Even if she and George didn’t always understand each other, she never felt shy asking him questions. What level did the American second grade correspond to in the British system? What had he eaten for dinner as a child? And what, she was very curious to know, was a hamster?

It felt wonderful to have someone to confide in, someone she could trust not to gossip. (With whom could George gossip about Amina, after all?) It was a pleasure to write about difficult times in the past, now that things were better. By the time she started writing to George, Amina was supporting her parents with the money she made as a tutor for Top Talents; they were living in Mohammadpur, and of course they had plenty to eat. She still thought the proudest moment of her life had been when she was seventeen and returned home one day to surprise her parents with a television bought entirely out of her own earnings.

The other benefit of tutoring, one that she hadn’t considered when she started out, was the access it afforded her to the computers that belonged to her wealthy pupils. She saw one of those students, Sharmila, three times a week; Sharmila’s parents both had office jobs, and they encouraged Amina to stay as long as she wanted so that their daughter wouldn’t just sit around with the servants all afternoon. Sharmila’s mother confided that she thought Amina would be a good influence on her daughter’s character; Sharmila was very intelligent but easily distracted, and was not serious enough about saying her prayers. “She has been raised with everything,” her mother said the first time Amina arrived, a sweep of her arm taking in the marble floors of the living room and the heavy brocade curtains on the picture windows overlooking the black surface of Gulshan Lake, which was revealed, even at this height, to be clogged with garbage, water lilies, and the shanties of migrant families. “She doesn’t even know how lucky she is.” Amina nodded politely, but she knew that Sharmila’s mother’s complaints were a performance. She would put on the same show when her daughter’s marriage was being negotiated, exaggerating Sharmila’s incompetence at preparing a simple dal or kitchuri, so that the groom’s family would understand what a little princess they were about to receive.

Amina had sworn Sharmila to secrecy on the subject of AsianEuro.com, and then they’d had a lot of fun, looking through the photos in the “male gallery.” Sharmila always chose the youngest and best-looking men; she would squeal and gasp when she came across one who was very old or very fat. More often than not, Amina had the same impulses, but she reminded herself that she was not a little girl playing a game. Her family’s future depended on this decision, and she could not afford to base it on some kind of childish whim.

According to her mother, the man should not be divorced and he certainly shouldn’t have any children. He had to have a bachelor’s degree and a dependable job, and he should not drink alcohol. He should not be younger than thirty-five or older than fifty, and he had to be willing to convert to Islam. Her mother also insisted that Amina take off her glasses and wear a red sari that she had inherited from her cousin Ghaniyah for the photograph, but, once it had been taken and scanned into the computer (a great inconvenience) at the Internet café near her Auntie No. 2’s apartment in Savar, her mother would not allow her to post it online. “Why would you want a man who is interested only in your photograph?” she demanded, and nothing Amina could say about the way the site worked would change her mind.

“But the men will think you’re ugly!” Sharmila exclaimed, when she heard about Amina’s mother’s stipulations. They were sitting on the rug in Sharmila’s bedroom, with Sharmila’s “Basic English Grammar” open between them. Amina’s student was wearing the kameez of her International School uniform with a pair of pajama trousers decorated with frogs. She looked Amina up and down critically.

“Your hair is coarse, and you have an apple nose, but you aren’t ugly,” she concluded. “And now no one is going to write to you.”

And although Amina had the very same fears, she decided to pretend to agree with her mother, for the sake of Sharmila’s character.

As it happened, George did not post his picture online, either. He and Amina exchanged photos only once they had decided to become “exclusive” and take their profiles down from the site. When he saw her photograph, George wrote, he became even more convinced that she was the right person for him—not because of how pretty she was but because she hadn’t used her “superficial charms” to advertise herself, the way so many American women did.

Amina hadn’t believed that there was a man on earth—much less on AsianEuro.com—who would satisfy all of her mother’s requirements, but George came very close. He was thirty-nine years old, and he had never been married. He had a master’s degree from SUNY Buffalo and had worked as an aeronautical engineer for the I.T.T. Corporation for the past eleven years. He liked to have a Heineken beer while he was watching football—his team was the Dallas Cowboys—but he never had more than two, and he would think of converting to Islam, if that was what it would take to marry Amina.

Both of Amina’s parents had hoped that she might someday go abroad, but it was her mother who had worked tirelessly with her at every step of the four-year journey that had finally led her to Rochester. If you counted their earliest efforts, it had actually been much longer than four years. When Amina was a girl, her mother had hoped to make her a famous singer, but once she discovered that Amina hadn’t inherited her beautiful voice she’d switched her to the classical Bengali wooden flute. Amina had found it easy to work diligently at her studies, but could somehow never make time for the flute; she had abandoned it in favor of “The Five Positions of Ballet,” and then “Ventriloquism: History and Techniques,” both illustrated in manuals that she and her mother checked out from the British Council library.

Amina’s parents’ first really serious idea had been to apply to American universities; Amina had written to ten colleges, six of which had sent letters back. The University of Pittsburgh had encouraged her to apply for a special scholarship. Even with the scholarship, however, the tuition would have been six thousand dollars a year—that was without considering the cost of living in America. Her parents had read the letter from Pittsburgh over and over again, as if some new information might appear, and they had shown it to all the Dhaka relatives, who had, of course, begun to gossip. According to Ghaniyah, they were accusing Amina and her parents of “sleeping under a torn quilt and dreaming of gold.”

A few weeks after the letter came, Amina was listening to the Voice of America. She and her mother had got into the habit of tuning in to the broadcasts in Special English, and even after those became too simple for Amina they continued to turn on “This Is America.” One day the program was dedicated to the different types of student and work visas, and the S.A.T., G.M.A.T., and TOEFL tests that foreign students might use to qualify for them. Amina was only half-listening (these were strategies that she had already considered, and all of them cost money) when the announcer said something that made her look up from her book. Her mother also paused, holding the iron above her father’s best shirt and trousers, which were arranged on the ceramic tile as if there were already a man inside them.

“Of course, the easiest way to come to America is to find an American and get married!”

It wasn’t as if she hadn’t thought of this; ever since she was a little girl, she had loved everything foreign. When other girls traded their dresses for shalwar kameez, Amina had gone on wearing hers: she’d had to put on a white-and-gray shalwar kameez in order to go to Maple Leaf, but when she got home from school she changed back into a dress or a skirt. Her mother shook her head, but her father laughed and called her his little memsahib. Whenever he had money, he’d buy her a Fanta and a Cadbury chocolate bar.

Most of all, she had always loved fair skin. Her father was brown, and before she was born he had worried that she would be dark. But her mother was ujjal shamla, and Amina had come out golden, too. Once, when she was about eight or nine, she had said how much she loved fair skin in front of her father’s business partner, who was as black as the fishermen who worked on the boats near her grandmother’s house. Farooq Uncle had only laughed, but his wife had told Amina seriously that she had once felt the same way, and look whom she had ended up marrying. If you wanted one thing too much, she said, you sometimes wound up with the opposite.

Amina had never forgotten that advice. It was a species of Deshi wisdom that she knew from the village, and it was powerful, as long as you stayed in the village. The farther away you got, Amina believed, the less it held. It was possible to change your own destiny, but you had to be vigilant and you could never look back. That was why, when she heard the announcer’s joke on Voice of America, the first thing she thought of was the Internet.

The thing that had impressed her about AsianEuro.com was the volume of both men and women looking for mates. When Amina joined, there were six hundred and forty-two men with profiles posted on the site, and, even without a photograph, Amina’s profile got several responses right away. As it turned out, the problem was not making contact but staying in touch. Sometimes (as with Mike G. and Victor S.) a man would correspond for months before he suddenly stopped writing, with no explanation. Other times she would be the one to stop, because of something the man had written. In the case of Mike R., it was a request for a photo of Amina in a bathing suit; for “John H.,” it was the admission, in a message sent at 3:43 A.M., that he was actually a Bengali Muslim living in Calcutta.

Her father had used these examples as ballast for his argument that the people who joined those sites could not be trusted, but her mother had weathered each disappointment along with Amina, and her resolve to help her daughter had seemed to grow stronger as the years passed and her father’s situation failed to change. They had never been like an ordinary mother and daughter, partly because Amina was an only child, and partly because they’d spent so much time together after she had to leave school, studying the textbooks they borrowed from the British Council: “Functional English” and “New English First.” When Amina and George began writing to each other, she and her mother had discussed the e-mails with the same seriousness they had once devoted to those textbooks. She had not hidden anything from her mother (not even the Heinekens), and eventually they had both become convinced of George’s goodness. They had been a team, analyzing every new development, and so it was strange for Amina, once things were finally settled, to realize that her mother would not be coming with her.

Amina had been e-mailing with George for three months when he came to Dhaka to meet her family. Their courtship had more in common with her grandparents’—which had been arranged through a professional matchmaker in their village—than it did with that of her parents, who had had a love marriage and run away to Khulna when her mother was seventeen years old. Her grandparents hadn’t seen each other until their wedding day, but they had examined photos. She had thought of her grandmother the day she received George’s photo as an e-mail attachment. The photo wasn’t what she’d been expecting, but once she’d seen it she couldn’t remember the face she had imagined. That face had been erased by the real George: heavy-cheeked and fleshy, with half-lidded, sleepy eyes. His features were compressed into the center of his face, leaving large, uncolonized expanses of cheek and brow and chin. His skin was so light that even Amina had to admit that it was possible to be too fair.

She had put her hand over half the photo, so that only the eyes and forehead were visible. They were blue eyes, close together, with sparse blond brows and lashes. Could I love just those eyes? she asked herself, apart from anything else, and, after a certain number of minutes spent getting used to them, she decided that she could. She covered the eyes and asked the same question of the nose (more challenging because of the way it protruded, different from any nose she knew). She had slept on it, but the following day at the British Council (an agony to wait until the computer was free) she’d been pleased to discover that the photograph was better than she remembered. By the end of the day she thought that she could love even the nose.

Her father went to meet George at the airport, and her mother came to her room to tell her that he had arrived—although, of course, she had been watching from the balcony. The taxi had stopped at the beginning of the lane, which was unpaved. Her mother had worried about George walking down the dirt road to their apartment complex (what if it rained?), and they had even discussed hiring a rickshaw. But they would have had to hire two rickshaws, with the bags, and hiring two rickshaws to take two grown men less than two hundred metres would have made more of a spectacle than it was worth. Even from her hiding place on the balcony, behind her mother’s hanging laundry, she could hear the landlady’s sons, Hamid and Hassan, on the roof, practically falling over the edge to get a glimpse of Amina’s suitor.

“What is he like?” she asked, and her mother reassured her.

“He’s just like his picture. Nothing is wrong.”

George said that he had known when he received her first e-mail that she was the one. When Amina asked how he had known, he was offended, and asked whether this was some kind of test. But Amina hadn’t been testing him: she really wanted to know, because her own experience had been so different. With the men who had contacted her before George, she had wondered each time if this was the person she would marry. Once she and George started e-mailing each other exclusively, she had wondered the same thing about him, and she had continued wondering even after he booked the flight to Bangladesh. She wondered that first night as he ate with her family at their wobbly table, covered with a plastic map-of-the-world tablecloth, which her father discreetly steadied by placing his elbow somewhere in the neighborhood of Sudan, and during the excruciating hours they spent in the homes of her Dhaka aunts, talking to each other in English while everyone sat around them and watched. It wasn’t until she was actually on the plane to Washington, D.C., wearing the gold-and-diamond ring they had bought in a hurry at Rifles Square on the last day of George’s visit, that she finally became convinced it was going to happen.

Her visa required her to marry within ninety days of her arrival in the U.S. George wanted to allow her to get settled, and his mother needed time to organize the wedding party, so they waited almost two months. Amina’s mother understood that it wouldn’t be practical for George to pay for another place for Amina to live during that time, and she certainly didn’t want her living alone in a foreign city. She agreed that Amina could stay in George’s house for those months, but she made Amina promise that she and George would wait to do that until after the ceremony. She talked about the one thing that Amina could lose that she would never be able to get back.

In Dhaka, Amina had intended to keep her promise, although she didn’t entirely agree with her mother. Especially after she got to America, and had time to think about it, it seemed to her that there were a lot of other things that could be lost in an equally permanent way. Her father had lost his business partner, for example, and he’d never found another full-time job; after that, they had lost their furniture, and then their apartments in Mirpur and Savar, and only Ghaniyah’s father’s intervention—securing the apartment in Mohammadpur at a special price, through a business associate—had kept them from becoming homeless altogether. These setbacks had taken their toll on her mother, who suffered from stomach ulcers and persistent rashes; Amina thought her mother was still beautiful, with her large, dark eyes and her thin, straight nose, but her mother claimed to have lost her looks for good. Worst of all, her grandmother had lost Emdad and Khokon, and nothing she could do would ever bring them back.

Compared with those losses, whatever it was that Amina lost on the third night she spent in George’s house was nothing. George had agreed to her mother’s conditions, and had set up a futon bed for her in the empty room upstairs. On the first two nights, they’d brushed their teeth together like a married couple, and then George had kissed her forehead before disappearing into his room. There were no curtains on the window of the room where Amina slept, and the tree outside made an unfamiliar, angled shadow on the floor. Everything was perfectly quiet. Even when she’d had her own room at home, there had always been noise from the street—horns, crying babies, the barking of dogs—not to mention the considerable sound of her father snoring on the other side of the wall.

Ordinarily she wore a long T-shirt and pajama bottoms to bed, but on the third night she experimented by going into the bathroom in only a kameez. “You look cute,” George said, and that emboldened her; when he bent down to kiss her forehead, as usual, she looked up, so that they actually kissed on the mouth. (This was something that they had done downstairs on the couch during the day, but not yet at night.) Amina tried to imagine that her plain, machine-made top was a hand-embroidered wedding sari, and, when she pressed her body against her fiancé’s, a strange sound escaped from him. It was as if there were another person inside him, who’d never spoken until now. That small, new voice—and the fact that she had been the cause of it—was what made her take George’s hand and follow him into his bedroom.

She was surprised by how unpleasant it was, how unlike that kiss in the bathroom, which had given her the same feeling between her legs that she sometimes got when watching actors kiss on television. It didn’t hurt as much as Ghaniyah had said it would, but she was too hot with George on top of her, and she didn’t like the way he looked when he closed his eyes—as if he were in pain somewhere very far away. On the other hand, it was sweet the way he worried afterward, anxiously confirming that it was what she wanted. He asked her whether she minded having broken her promise to her mother, and the next morning, waking up for the first time beside someone who was not a member of her family, she was surprised to find that she had no regrets at all.

She told George that she didn’t need a wedding dress, that she was happy to get married in the clothes she already owned. She had ordered three new dresses before coming to Rochester, because tailoring was so much less expensive back at home.

“That’s why I love you!” George said, slapping his hand on the kitchen table, as if he’d just won some kind of wager. “You’re so much more sensible than other women.”

Amina thought that it was settled, but later that night George talked to Ed, from his office, who reminded him that they would eventually have to show their wedding photographs to the I.N.S.

“Ed says a white dress is better for the green card,” George said. “My cousin Jess’ll take you shopping. Go get something you like.”

Her mother wanted her to get married in a sari. Amina argued that that kind of wedding, with the gold jewelry, the red tinselled orna, and the hennaed hands, was really more Hindu than Muslim, and that as long as she was going to wear foreign clothes they might as well be American ones.

“No need for a red sari,” her mother conceded. “How about blue? Or green?”

“It has to be a white dress,” Amina said. “It has to be a real American wedding.”

“Even a white sari,” her mother said. “Some of the girls are doing it. I saw it on Trendz.” Since she’d left, her mother had been spending hours every day in the Internet café in Savar. It was amazing to Amina that her mother could navigate even English sites like the Daily Star, where she knew how to get to the Life Style page, with its features on “hot new restaurants” and “splashy summer sandals,” its recipes for French toast and beef Bourguignonne, and its decorating tips (“How about painting one wall of your living room a vibrant spring color?”).

“A dress,” Amina said firmly. “That’s what the I.N.S. wants.”

Of course her mother didn’t really care about the dress, just as she would never consider visiting a restaurant (where who knew how dirty the kitchen might be) or painting one wall of the room where she brushed her teeth, chopped vegetables, and did the ironing “a vibrant spring color.” The white dress was a way for her mother to talk about a concern she had had ever since the beginning—that Amina and George were not going to be properly married, by both an American civil servant and a Muslim imam.

The wedding dress was sleeveless white organdie, with white satin flowers appliquéd on the neck and the bust. She and Jessica compromised by eliminating the veil, but even without it the dress cost more than three hundred dollars, not including alterations. Amina stood on a wooden box with a clamp like a giant paper clip at her waist, and tried not to cry.

“Smile!” the saleswoman said. “A lot of girls would kill for a figure like yours.”

“No kidding,” Jessica said. “I wasn’t that skinny when I was fourteen years old.”

“Don’t you like it?” the saleswoman asked.

“She’s dumbstruck. Wait until George sees you in that.”

Jessica chatted happily with the saleswoman as they paid for the dress with George’s card, but once they were in the car she asked Amina whether everything was O.K.

“Everything is fine,” Amina said. “Only it was so expensive.”

“George doesn’t mind,” Jessica said. “Trust me, I could tell. Are you sure there’s nothing else?”

Ordinarily when Amina felt homesickness coming on, she was able to distract herself with some kind of housework. Vacuuming, in particular, was helpful. Now, sitting in the car next to George’s cousin, she was unprepared for the sudden stiffness in her chest, or the screen that dropped over everything, making Rochester’s clean air and tidy green lawns, and even the inside of Jessica’s very large, brand-new car, look dull and shabby. George’s cousin was so kind, and still there was no way that she could explain to her what was really wrong. When they stopped at a red light, Jessica turned to Amina and put a hand on her arm.

“Because if something was wrong between you and George, I want you to know that you could tell me. I’m a good listener.”

“Oh, no,” Amina said, “George is no problem,” and Jessica laughed, although Amina wasn’t trying to be funny. She could tell that Jessica wasn’t going to allow her to be silent, and so she searched for a question.

“What is the meaning of ‘dumbstruck’?” she asked, feeling slightly dishonest. She had encountered that word for the first time in an exercise in a conversation primer, a dialogue between a Miss Mulligan and a Mr. Fredericks—“ ‘Your manners leave me dumbstruck, Mr. Fredericks,’ Miss Mulligan exclaimed”—and for some reason that phrase had lodged itself in Amina’s head. Often, when someone spat on the street in front of her, when a woman elbowed her out of the way at the market, or when she ran into one of her old classmates at the British Council and the girl inquired sweetly whether her father was still unemployed, she had thought of Miss Mulligan and how dumbstruck she might have been had she ever found herself in Bangladesh.

“Oh, um—surprised. It just means surprised. I bet you wondered what I was talking about!”

But it didn’t just mean surprised. It meant so surprised that you could not speak. As Cousin Jessica continued to talk—about her weight and Amina’s, about the foods she ate, didn’t eat, or intended to eat—Amina concentrated on nodding and making noises to show that she understood. It was possible to be struck dumb by all sorts of emotion, not only surprise, and as they drove back toward Pittsford Amina thought that there ought to be a whole set of words to encompass those different varieties of silence.

At the bridal shower, Aunt Louise had wanted to know Amina’s favorite flower, and had listened politely as Amina explained about the krishnachura and the romantic origins of its name. She felt silly when Aunt Louise showed up at city hall on the morning of the wedding, carrying a bouquet of lilacs and apologizing because there were no krishnachura to be found in Rochester. Then George’s mother arrived with her own wedding veil, which she shyly offered to Amina for the ceremony.

“She didn’t want a veil,” George said, annoyed with his mother, but Amina took her mother-in-law’s side, just as a bride would at home. Jessica gathered up a few of the ringlets the hairdresser had created and pinned the veil so that Amina could wear it hanging down her back. Then the small party—Jessica, George’s mother, Aunt Louise and Uncle Dan, Ed from George’s office and his Filipino wife, Min, and George’s college friends Bill and Katie—followed them into the office, where they completed the paperwork for the marriage certificate. Amina thought that this was the wedding itself, so she was confused when the clerk ushered them into a smaller, carpeted room with a bench and asked them to wait.

“Is there some problem?” she asked George, but he was distracted by his friends, who were snapping pictures and laughing. “Is something wrong?”

“Sit down,” George’s mother said, but Aunt Louise grabbed her arm and jerked her upright.

“Careful!”

“What is it?” Amina said, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. For weeks she had been convinced that something would get in the way of the ceremony; this morning she had prayed—not that nothing would go wrong but that she would be prepared enough to see it coming and resourceful enough to find a way around it.

“If you sit, your dress will crease,” Aunt Louise said.

“Come on,” George’s mother said, putting her hand on Amina’s back. “It’s your turn.” And Amina was relieved to see that a door had opened on the opposite side of the room, and a short, bald man in a suit, a man who looked as if nothing on earth had ever disturbed his composure, was gesturing for them to enter. She understood that the wedding was continuing as planned, and she looked carefully around the room because she knew that her mother would want to hear exactly what it looked like. There were potted trees with braided trunks on either side of the window, and three rows of white plastic folding chairs, half-filled by George’s family and friends. The deputy city clerk stood behind a wooden lectern underneath two certificates framed in gold. With the light from the window shining on his glasses, Amina couldn’t see his eyes.

She had not expected to be nervous. George had told her what her cue would be, and Amina allowed her mind to wander while she waited for it. When she’d left Desh, there had still been the possibility that her parents would be able to come to Rochester for the wedding. Ninety days had seemed like enough time to plan, but when George went online to check the tickets they were almost fifteen hundred dollars each, even if her parents made stops in Dubai and Hamburg, Germany. George had been willing to help pay for the tickets, but she could tell that he wasn’t happy about it, and so she had called her parents and given them her opinion: it would be a waste of money. The whole wedding would take maybe an hour and a half (including driving time), and Amina and her father agreed that to fly twenty hours in order to be there for something that took less than two hours didn’t make a lot of sense.

In the end, as she’d expected, the problem was not her father but her mother. Her mother had agreed at first, and they’d even made another plan: as soon as Amina and George could come back to Dhaka, they would buy wedding clothes and Amina would go to the beauty salon; then they would go to a studio and take wedding photographs. Once they had the photographs, her mother could look at them all the time: it would be no different than if they’d all celebrated the wedding together for real.

Amina thought that her mother was satisfied by this, but a few nights later she got a call. Her mother was crying, and it was hard to understand her. Her father told her not to worry, but when she asked why her mother was crying he said, “She’s crying because she’s going to miss your wedding. She’s going to miss it because I can’t afford the ticket.”

“No!” Amina said. “We decided—it didn’t make sense. Three thousand dollars for one party!”

“Your wedding party. What kind of terrible parents don’t come to their own daughter’s wedding?”

She started to argue, but her father wasn’t listening. Her mother was saying something in the background.

“What does she say?”

Her father paused so long that she would have thought the call had been dropped, if it weren’t for the sounds in the background. It was morning in Mohammadpur, and Amina thought she could hear the venders calling outside the window: “Chilis! Eggs! Excellent-quality feather brooms!”

“She says it would have been better if you’d never been born,” her father said finally.

“Do you, Amina Mazid, take this man, George Barker, to be your lawfully wedded husband?” the city clerk asked.

“I do,” Amina said.

The question was asked of George, and then the clerk pronounced them husband and wife. “You may kiss each other,” he said.

George leaned toward her and Amina leaped back. From the folding chairs, Cousin Jessica made a hiccupping sound. George’s face tightened like the mouth of a drawstring bag, and when Amina glanced behind her she saw an identical contraction on the face of her new mother-in-law. She hurriedly stepped toward George, smiling to let him know that it had been a mistake, that of course she wanted to kiss him in front of his family and friends.

Many hours later, after cocktails at Aunt Louise and Uncle Dan’s, the reception dinner at Giorgio’s Trattoria, and then sweets, coffee, and the opening of gifts at the house of George’s mother (who now insisted that Amina call her “Mom”), when they were home in bed together so much later than usual, George asked her why she hadn’t wanted to kiss him.

“You didn’t tell me,” she explained.

“You didn’t know there was kissing at a wedding?”

Amina had to think about that for a minute, because of course she had known. She had known since she was nine years old and her Auntie No. 2 had bought a television. She had seen it on “Dallas” and “L.A. Law” and “The Fall Guy,” and then, more recently, on her own television at home. There was no way to explain her ignorance to George.

“I did know. I guess I just didn’t believe it would happen to me.”

“You’ve kissed me a hundred times,” George said, in a voice that suggested to Amina that they might be about to have their first fight. She wanted to avoid that, especially tonight, because if there was anything she believed about marriage it was that arguing the way her parents did was a waste of time.

“Not only kissing. The marriage in total.”

“You didn’t believe we were getting married? What did you think we were doing?”

“In Desh, you can make your plans, but they usually do not succeed.”

“And in America?”

“In America you make your plans and then they happen.”

To her relief, George finally smiled. “So you planned to kiss me, but you were surprised when it actually happened.”

Amina hesitated, but her husband was patient until she found the right words.

“Not only surprised,” she said. “I was dumbstruck.”

Documentary: Remembrance of Things Present

..Point of View..

Synopsis: How to deal with a marriage arranged when one was a child of twelve? What are the answers to the whys and what-ifs of one personal history in a context of general female disempowerment? How to resolve the key conflict of a displaced life after years of nomadic life abroad? Chandra Siddan, a Canadian immigrant, returns to Bangalore, India after 12 years' absence with these questions. Long divorced and newly remarried, she enquires into the reasons for her early first marriage arranged in the mid 70s by her Hindu urban middle-class family and confronts her parents and relatives with her lost childhood, while also presenting them her new husband. Reuniting with her daughter, Smruthi (now in her twenties), Chandra finds her refreshingly liberated. But the life of her parents’ teenage servant, Sudha, shows that that the past is anything but over. Simultaneously a family drama and a social history, "Remembrance of Things Present" rejects a reactionary notion of "home" and theorizes global female migrant labour as an anti-odyssey, a journey without a return.

Relationship Traditions of tribe in India

This documentary (video is in tamil without subtitles) explains very old tradition of tribe in south part of India(from the region where I came from) about their live-in relationships and how people there give less importance for marriage. They believe its important to be with someone who they love and all other things are not mandatory. They have no religious beliefs & they have rejected modernity. Its very interesting to learn about their love, trust, acceptance and simplicity of the lifestyle.

And To me- its yet another eye opening, joyfully experience of learning yet another culture & tradition of India and her diversity.

(un)Sucessful realtionship

>>> a friend, who I knew for 12+yrs and from whom I haven't heard from many years after his marriage(which is usually for first 3/6month not after)), got in touch after all those years to inform that he is coming to visit me. and he did. Had fun time taking him around to whatever little place-to-see in luxembourg. It was nostlogic weekend taking about all old days, bubbies,.. I have very high regards for him. he was one of those who's not idealogs, with all good intentions, habits & very highly flexible and yet another urban adult with simple hopes & aspirations. which is why i felt tiny earthquake when he told me, he is divorced now. that was a complete shocker. ofcourse he wasn't comfortable talking about it for any length and i guess that's also part of the reason why he was out-of-touch. I don't know how to react or what to talk about that subject. I dont know what happen but that's kinda confirms my fear/belief- marriage is random act of luck. not much a rational process/act can do to make or break it, atleast not always. anyways, everyone cannt be good to all and he is good to me. I will be his friend without any judgements.
when talking to someone else who knew about this, he was trashing ‘her’(mrs…ex) I don’t why we indians designed to think broke marrriage is broken character.!? Cannot two rational good individuals can come together and go part without anyone been cast as ‘bad-person’.!? 

to Settle or not to..!?

Interesting read:

To Settle Or Not To Settle - That Is The Question 

http://susispice.wordpress.com/2008/11/25/to-settle-or-not-to-settle-that-is-the-question/

The Case for Not-Quite-Right 

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200802u/gottlieb-interview 

Lessons from Arranged marriage

below good article from LiveMint.com 

Last weekend, I was ploughing my way through bad news and more bad news in the newspapers when the husband, who never begins his Sundays with financial news, started reading something aloud.

“Well settled match for daughter 5’-9” Aug 78 born, extremely B’ful convent educated M.A. English, PG Mass Communications, Wrkg as Editor National TV Channel. Homely, believes in old traditional values. Dr. parents high status fmly.”

Classified: Why arranged is still in. Harikrishna Katragadda / Mint

Now, I gave up trying to understand India through a study of its matrimonial advertisements in the 1980s, but I couldn’t get this one out of my head. I think it was the designation that did it. Why would a woman who was an editor of a national television channel, and whose new India job allowed her to interact with the world, want her parents to find her a stranger she could spend the rest of her life with?

Or was she one of those video editors who worked long hours in a windowless room staring at a screen, interacting only with machines, making sense of raw footage and packaging it for viewers like us?

The matrimonial was followed by a phone number and Gmail address, so the next day I gathered courage and called. Her mum answered.

So here’s their story, or at least the little her sweet mother told me before she started sounding exasperated and I hurriedly hung up.

Both this girl’s (let’s call her Ms Ed) parents are doctors; she comes from a traditional Agarwal family where the woman, irrespective of whether she’s a doctor or not, handles the kitchen and does the cooking. Until two years ago, Ms Ed wasn’t ready to get married, but then she changed her mind. Her mother never met her father before they got married, and they’ve stayed together for 30 years. Mum says yes, Ms Ed meets a lot of people in her line of work but she has never indulged in an affair (and if you see the date of birth in the matrimonial, this year marked the end of the carefree 20s for Ms Ed). Mum said arranged marriages work better because there are fewer “disparities of customs, cultures and economic status”. “Disparities lead to quarrels,” she says.

Isn’t that what Raj Thackeray and the Vishwa Hindu Parishad believe too? These days everyone wants to be surrounded by people like themselves. Hindus with Hindus, Muslims with Muslims and, of course, Maharashtrians only with Maharashtrians. So, why pass judgement on an Agarwal girl looking for an Agarwal boy?

Besides, if you believe Reva Seth, author of this year’s First Comes Marriage,arranged marriages can teach women lots about how to find — and hang on to — Mr Right. Seth interviewed 300 women in arranged marriages over a period of five years and says that arranged marriages offer “lessons and guidelines that are increasingly relevant to the modern dating scene”. Some secrets Seth uncovered in her book:

Your man doesn’t have to be your best friend. (That’s why you’ve had a best girlfriend all along, right?)

It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t dance (common interests are less important than shared values).

Sexual chemistry isn’t always organic (attraction can be created — if you know how to unlock your passion).

I disagree with Seth on two of the three points, but then again, I also believe that in this country you can be different and live together.

PS: I’m looking to surround myself with people who agree.

Related: Arranged marriages: a new trend to find right one

Musings of Marriage..

recently landed on page of a soul who is world part yet so similar... we all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same - Anne Frank

comments on Musings of Marriage
to dear Ferreting Fish,

it would be interesting to see-- if you keep this blog for next 30yrs and write about same topic when your son/daughter at same age..;¬)

for sure marriage involves adjustment-- question what you want to adjust? you can compromise habits(may be lifestyle) but not character.

freedom..!!? look at this way-- do you ever wanted freedom from your parents..!? (possible no). ok understood, you need space for ur interesting without enforcement but we human general like interference. imagine you are painter and your hube gave 'freedom' to achieve your fame. but he doesn't care to notice ur failure/success nor any support you thru it..! you will say- he's not caring enough although he give all the 'freedom' u asked for.

that's the key compatible match-- yes we all long for it. but we fail to realize we are not the same person last year or year before nor will be our loved ones in future. as long as we accept changing self and changing others around us it will always be difficult to fit-in. We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person -- Somerset Maugham

and about age-- i thought only female had expiry date (ok,iam not sexiest)) and male too has it in today's marriage market. that's 30s iam told and have to wrap my mind before otherwise i have loss 'choices'.

gotram/nakshatra or even caste/community are beyond my understanding. i dont even have one of those chart paper and not even my parent got married with that thingee. poor parents they don't know what to do when someone ask for the paper/chart/whatever..:L

reading these details-- iam glad not that i had opportunity to be different(rather more normal in a sensible world) but my parents are. not just that they dont want me to visit anyone unless iam sure but infact they are too much that they dont want to be in scene(may be background) until iam ok. problem is if & when iam ok then i dont want them play the community card..;l so its kinda deadlock with either having no clear idea..;!£$^"^&%£$*

taking about parents -- just recently i took couple months break from work and spend time home and realized i have case study of marriage at my home. my parents cannt any different from each other and in today's urban liberal world version either they wouldn't have been together in first place even if not for long. one being educated, individual, well employed(read that as exposed to wide world), with no belief in superstition, social, kinda of idealist, stay low key avoid conflict to any cost, believes even enemy has reasons to be enemy,..
and another with little exposure to world, education, very strong belief in religion/gods and their actions.. opinionated (makes mind and its quite a work to change that). off late become more liberal then the other,.. not anti-social but certain not too much enthu among strangers,..and now add that to complicated thread of family tree/bond wider aunties/uncles looking up for help, guidance, advice, suggestion and criticize when done anyways. for years both had their difference, some many arguments on almost everything especially off late..l)

that's one of hell of relationship but they pull off for 34+yrs and still going strong. reasons could be various factors-- may be their social settup, may be not exposed to alternatives(ignorance is bliss), etc... ofcourse love/care but i cannot ignore-- respect, trust, faith on each other's intentions.

million $ question is: in which part of their relationship they bulit this for each other? also they knowing each other for better part of their life before marriage is big advantage, which most don't have.

so that's no secret afterall. commonsense-- respect, trust, faith on each other's intentions, love/care and similar interest, lifestyle has to fit-in somewhere in that list.

but i still don't know how to & whom to gain that from and how to do that before making big decision of marriage. so Good Luck to me.

Indian-style Matchmaking but Online..

CNNMoney article: Matchmaking Indian-style

with better business model, increase in funding online matrimony business in India is becoming one of the fastest growing web2.0 service, with a growth trajectory of as high as 90 per cent annually in some cases. Currently membership is estimated at 7million+ users and with 60% annual volume growth.

Now Iam under pressure from friends & family to get onto one of those websites to zero-in 'the perfect one'.

Online matrimony is a project just like offline matrimony. It requires considerable time, energy and capacity to reject/ accept rejection. An interesting experiment was carried out by HT's Brunch supplement. One of their staffers registered two profiles on a dating website. One was an 'adventurous, fun loving, 'wants to live life to the fullest' type' and the other a more staid description. Profile1 was flooded with response (the sex variety) while profile 2 got barely a trickle. And a male journalist who registered his profile got.. absolutely no response.

Problem is success or failure of a dating/ matrimonial site depends on no. of girls registered/ing. I notice common assumption that-- 'open-to-dating' women have enough choices in real life, when they are in the college-age bracket. The trouble starts when you finish your education and into your second job by which time you may have a limited social life and little opportunity to meet new people. That's when people turn to matrimonial websites.

Some interesting Stats - According to IAMAI:
- have a gender ratio of 69% male, 31% female, which is far better.
- 37% of registered users are between age 18-25. so I am guessing they are actually using it for dating purposes. But perhaps the 'matrimonial' purpose of the website cues that 'I am not that type of girl/ guy'. As in I may eventually wish to marry you.
- Marital status : 63% Unmarried, 31% Married without kids, 25% Married with kids, 4% Divorced.

A plausible explanation for such profile data is that these are uncles,aunties,friends,parents of prospective grooms and brides. People like me, searching for other people. But still.. it creeps me out.

Can someone explain web2.0 matrimonial industry data please?

Credits: CNNMoney and YouthCurry

Girl's eye on Traditional marriage

Thanks to Anitya, landed on this nice quirky clip on Girl's eye on Traditional marriage

Arrange marriage? One moment please

Thanks to Annitya, landed on nice article Arrange marriage? One moment please

Tip 1: Do not get ‘talked into’ marriage
Tip 2: Going out more than once does not mean it’s a ‘Yes’
Tip 3: Go on dates that take the focus off of the topic
Tip 4: Leave the question answering for the final date
Tip 5: If you are rejected, don’t take it personally
Tip 6: If you reject the relationship, steer away from pointing out his weaknesses

for reading and thinking....

In truth, arrange marriages are more complicated than love marriages. It demands more time and emotion which the more you put in, the more you’re risking. But if all goes well, there’s nothing like arrange marriages that give you the red carpet treatment from family and relatives. A final note - before looking into a prospective partner do bear in mind that if you can have high expectations, they can too.

What is the perfect marriage? ...
Forgiveness and love for each.
Given from the loving one-
-from way up above.

Yes, Trust & Love, you are happening
Marriage, you are new beginning
Without the other you shan’t survive.
and then on, they walked hand-in hand..

How is this photo beta...!?

How is this photo beta. She is beautiful right ?

Mom asks her beta while showing a girl's color-photo picked out from her diary. This is one of the first questions a concerend mom would ask her "available" beta when she feels her nanna-munna-beta has finally "come-of-age" for marriage purposes. She, even before asking her beta's opinion, would first advertise his profile in one of those communitiy matrimonial circle manazines and collect profiles & photos of available girls around. Then, Based on her perceptionsof the prospective Bahu traits, looks and screening she'd hand-pick a few of these profiles. Once this homework is done she'd introduce the Topic of marriage to his son with one of these photos.

Typically, she thinks her "innocent-beta" would not allow her proceed with the pre-marriage tasks as she feels he'd be "very-happy" being single and would even want to concentrate more on his "career" before thinking about settling down. So this innocent mom would first get the photos and then try to "entice" her betaa with these photos and a quick 2 minute summary of these girls - "five-six tall aakkum !! very fair, Nice character..works as manager in Citibank. Music lover aakkummam"

While our mom is busy with these pre-marriage tasks, seldom she knows about the latent thoughts running on in her "naive-beta's-gullible-mind". As we know, He would typically be obsessed with "Post-marriage" tasks. And a typicalmetro born "naive-beta" would have just had about 13 proposals, 3-5 acceptances, 37 dates and 5-6 broken-heart experiences until now.And his mom knows none of these stories. Finally when none of these "extra-curriculars" works out, the beta would wait for his mom to start "co-curricular" activities.

He'd have cursed his mother silently for atleast 2 years for not starting looking for him. But after the long long wait when his mom pokes a photograph of a pretty looking lady on to his face and asks the question, he'd play a TOM-CAT, would blush, look down, draw semi-circles with his toes and say "Mamma..i dont want to marry now"...

A typical beta would never admit that he wants to marry. Rather he creates a scenario where he gives out the message that he is agreeing to the marriage only under the immense PRESSURE put on him by his parents. Here is how it goes :

Let the time now be 8.15 am. Our beta is getting ready to leave for work. That is the time our mamma shows a photo to him. The girl looked bad,and had a below-expectation type profile. So our beta shouts at his MOM :

"HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TOLD NOT TO LOOK FOR ME NOW ?"..YOU DONT UNDERSTAND...I HAVE TO PLAN A CAREER..A LIFE..I NEED TIME..2 YEARS TIME.."

At 8.30 AM when our beta is just done with the breakfast and when mom feels he's cooled down, she shows another photo --> This time an above-average profile. And a better looking girl. Our Betaa smiles this time, blushes and says softly:

"Oh..amma..i need just some more time before marriage..just..u see..I am working..i need to be focussed..wait for 2-3 months..".

And when at 8.45 am, mom shows a sweet girl's picture (resembling Mallika Sherawat), the guy yields to "pressure" --> First smiles, then controlls smile and then blushes. He'd pretend not to have seen that photo at all (He's definitely noticed the mallika like part though) and say politely :

"If you all want me to marry, then..then..I needed somemore time...but. i'll agree..go ahead..whatelse can i do?..."

Then comes the "formally-seeing-the-girl" part. Son, accompanied by his dad & mom, eldest brother of dad, elder sister of mom and Broker goes tothe girl's house. On the way in the car our betaa would have, by now, gauged the best of features of the girl like a super-intelligent computer.Based on that single photograph of the girl he has seen, our son would have fantasized the girl in atleast three different dresses, hair-styles and fashions. And finally when the girl's dad calls his daughter out to the living room to meet everyone, Betaa realises that the photo he's seen was atleast 2 years old ! And like the India's GDP calculation, the projected estimate (36-28-34) is no where near the actual figure (34-32-36).

By the time he could re-estimate his calculations, imaginations and have another round of self-satisfaction-survey (typically a profile matching execrcise where he'd see if the earlier projected estimate could bere-estimated to fit with actual figure) , his dad & her dad have realised that they have a common close friend. His Mom & her mom have just realised that MoM #1's 2nd cousin's husband's sister was married to Mom #2's sister-in-law's brother-in-law. Also the Girl's naani was the first to recollect the family name of our Betaa's Naana. Now its a real dead-lock --> Even if Betaa wants to get off this marriage, he cannot.And he has to again "yield" to pressure - This time literally.

After consulting with all his friends, our son finally assures himself that 34-32-36 with a Job in ICICI is finally manageable. They (friends) tell him aboutthe intangible aspects of a woman like personality, Behavior etc (Though its a fact that the friends have themselves gone by "numbers" eventually). Finally, they both start sending emails and decide to start dating. And he accepts the fact that Not everyone can be mallika sherawat. There areother heroines too in India.

After-all, according to his imaginations, except for the VitalStatistix, everything else about her (personality, Body Lang, pomp, attitude) is just perfect. Its again similar to how Govt concludes on how "India Is shining" despite poor numbers like fiscal deficit, suicidal rates, Below-poverty-line-% etc). And corporate India goes only by "Numbers". No wonder why the latter is more successful.

During his first date He realises that her english is accented & Body Language is bad (personality test failed). And she realises that he doesnt take bath.

During the second date he realises that she wears only sarees or salwar-kameez. (fashionability test failed). And she realises that he doesn't know to drive a bike.

During the third date he realises that she eats only vegetarian & would never visit a Pub or Bar. And she realises that he's not a first-timer in Dating.

During the fourth date he realises that she can never miss a friday fast or a monday temple visit. And she realises that He can never miss a friday mumbai-disc or sunday pune-disc.

During the fifth date he realises that she wants him to quit smoking and drinking. And she realises he wants her to start doing both.

During the sixth date he realises that her family is Keen to get married to him immediately. And she realises his family has already fixed up the date of marriage.

---------------- Marriage Takes Place ------------------------

After 1 week into marriage he realises she's not even Mamta kulkarni - forget Mallika sherawat. And she realises that he's salman khan without fitness.

Yet...Yet...After 1 month he & she realises she's carrying :-). But how ? :-) :-)
After 1 year, they realise they are three - Not two anymore.

Yet...They complete silver, golden Jubiless together as a happily married & settled couple.

Yet..people around call it the perfect marriage and term them "made-for-each-other"

Ofcourse there's another story on what the Girl realises about Guy at different stages. But that could be more Nasty to write here! So in this successful relationship, Neither the "numbers" worked well. Nor the Intangibles. "Marriage is all about compromises" --> People say !! But when everything is against expectations, can we call it a "compromise" ?

got theses screens from unknown author fwd.. but thought this could enlight few of us..;-D

Good day to you & If you are single like me, Good Luck too !

New age Arranged marriages: Groom's perspective

http://in.rediff.com/getahead/2006/nov/01arrange.htm

Finished your studies, landed a job, and settled down? Like most other guys, marrying will probably be the next thing on your agenda. But, the dynamics of an arranged marriage have changed. Find out what the realities of this age-old tradition are, for a new generation.

New avatars

"Nowadays, parents simply suggest the person they feel is suitable for their son or daughter. Only if their child approves (after interacting with him or her), do things move ahead. Also, children are now increasingly taking the initiative to find their own partners. The number of people putting up their profiles at matrimonial sites is a case in point. So, children are now 'arranging' their own marriages," says Sanjeev Sharma, 29, a software engineer currently in the 'marriage market', looking for a bride.

"By the new-age definition, an arranged marriage is just a 'set-up'. Parents introduce their children to each other, who meet and may even date for some time. Then, if and when they are ready, they get married," agrees Kamlesh Mathur, 27, a sales executive who has just joined the scene.

What are you looking for?

Who you will marry is one of the most important decisions you will make. Some questions that crop up include: What sort of a girl do I marry? Will she adjust to my family? How can I decide just by meeting her a few times? When should I marry? What if I make the wrong choice?

"Take a pen and paper and list the attributes you are looking for in a girl. For example, educational achievements, profession, appearance (looks, height, weight), etc. You might not find the 'perfect' girl, but you will have a fair idea of what you are looking for," says Sanjeev. "The key to choosing the right partner is to look for a person with a good character too, not simply a good personality," feels Kamlesh. Qualities to look out for include maturity and responsibility, a positive attitude toward life, commitment to the relationship, emotional openness, integrity and high self-esteem.

"Many men go for beauty when looking for a suitable bride. Sure, looks are important, but that should not be the most important criterion. Later on in life, it is her maturity and behaviour that will make all the difference," feels Sanjeev.

In arranged marriages, family support also plays a major role in ensuring a successful marriage. This is where compatibility of social status, family values and caste/religion may come in. "If she is going to live with your parents in a joint family set-up, it would be wise to take a few inputs from family members as well," advises Kamlesh.

Tell your parents

The selection process is tough on every one involved in it. In arranged marriages, the involvement of family and society is pretty high. Clearly define some minimum criteria for selection in terms of education, physical appearance, social status, family values, future career plans, etc., so your parents don't waste their time. "It would be unfair to meet a girl three to four times only to change your mind, as it can have repercussions for her too. You should have your criteria ready. Be clear about what you are looking for, so you meet fewer people," advises Jitesh Dwivedi, 28, a graphic designer who just finalised his match and will marry in December.

People often prefer partners from the same profession for better understanding. "For example, doctors sometimes prefer doctors for reasons that include being able to start a clinic together, etc. Also, the partner is better able to understand the working hours and professional difficulties. Thus, if you are looking for a specific match, convey it to your parents," says Dr. Bhaskar Gupta, 29, a pathologist who had an arranged marriage last year. "As I am over 6 feet tall and live abroad, my personal preference is someone fluent in English and at least 5'3" tall," adds Sanjeev.

Background research

It is important for you and/or your parents to check the educational and family background of a prospective partner. This can be done via a reference check, a visit to the workplace (or institute, if she's studying), through relatives, etc. The same process is used when the girl is abroad, but it is definitely more difficult. For one, a personal visit may not be possible and you have to rely on other sources for information. If you have friends/family abroad or living in proximity to the prospective bride, request them to meet her and check things out.

You can also perform an employer verification, check the visa status, request a medical test, etc. Also, communicate regularly through emails, phone, chat, etc. to know her better and get an insight into her lifestyle.

A meeting of minds

As we all know, it is difficult to judge a person based on a few meetings. How, then, do you select a life partner? "This is where you need to take additional help of other mediums of communication like phone, email, chat, etc. because it is sometimes possible to discuss issues more freely and actually get a better idea of the person through these mediums than in person," says Jitesh.

Whenever you do meet, relax and be yourself. Keep an open mind and don't hesitate to discuss important issues. Wear something that you look good and feel comfortable in. Try meeting away from the usual crowd of relatives, at some neutral place like a coffee shop, so you can interact without being influenced by others. Above all, trust your gut feeling.

Ask away!

Those days are long gone when youngsters getting married hardly knew anything about each other. Now you can ask just about anything and no one is supposed to take offence. "If you have questions that may seem uncomfortable but deal with the reality of today's social situation, or if you have doubts, by all means ask! Because NOT asking a question may ultimately prove to be a bigger mistake than asking," feels Dr. Bhaskar.

Here are some aspects that could be looked into once you get on familiar terrain.

General questions

• Are you ready for marriage?
• How would you describe yourself?
• How do you like to spend your free time?
• How do you feel about smoking and/or drinking?
• What are you looking for in a spouse?
• How much time do you need to decide?
• What are your preferences, in terms of food?
• What are your pet peeves?
• How do you act when you get upset?
• How do you feel about pets?
• What is your family like?

Professional queries

• What career path do you plan on taking?
• How ambitious are you?
• How much time do you spend at work?
• How do you plan to balance work and family life?

Previous relationships

Today, a lot of young people may already have had a previous relationship. "Though having had a relationship is neither uncommon nor something to be ashamed of, people sometimes bring some 'baggage' -- emotional and / or health-related -- from the previous relationship. Of course, this applies to both men and women. Now, a woman should be equally cautious if a guy tells her he has had relationships previously, and should look for signs of any serious issues," feels Dr. Bhaskar.

"Yes, a relationship in the past would be a concern for me. But then, my opinion can't be generalised for all couples. It is a very individual thing," says Kamlesh. "It is difficult to say, as it is a case-specific issue," adds Sanjeev. "I feel there is nothing wrong with it if it is a thing of the past. What is more important is to be faithful to each other after marriage."

Medical check-up?

"Yes, you and your partner should get one. Everyone knows the significance of getting oneself tested in today's day and age, but the way you approach it involves a good amount of emotional maturity on the part of both," says Sanjeev.

"It's not as if you can't ask the girl to be tested, but there is a degree of reluctance in asking, as it is a very delicate situation and people may feel insulted if not outraged. However, if tactfully handled, most people would respond favourably, even if they voice initial doubts," says Dr. Bhaskar. "What you can do is tell the girl (and / or her parents) that, like you, they too are probably aware of the increasing incidence of HIV and may be experiencing some apprehension about it. Moreover, a blood test can also check for thalassemia and Rh factor. You can possibly both get tested at the same reliable clinic and then proceed with the marriage without any doubts," he advises.

It's your call

Do remember, all said and done, it is your marriage and your life that is at stake. After you get married, you and your wife are the ones who will face the music. Don't marry a girl just because your parents or friends asked you to do so. "Once you marry, if things don't work out and you end up saying, 'It's only because of my parents that I married you', then your marriage is destined for disaster," says Sanjeev.

New age Arranged marriages: A bride's perspective

http://in.rediff.com/getahead/2006/nov/02arrange.htm

The concept of arranged marriages has changed. And, not just for men. As a woman, ideally, your life partner should be someone with whom you can share interests and who will encourage your independence. As with any relationship, friendship is the key. Good communication from the beginning will help ensure that yours is a lasting, loving partnership.

Let's take a look at how to go about looking for these characteristics in the context of an arranged marriage.

New avatars

Arranged marriages are not like they were, say, 20 years ago. "It is now more like meeting someone through your family or like being set up for a blind date," says Rachna Shukla, 25, a Web designer who had an arranged marriage earlier this year. "Parents or friends introduce the couple and let them talk via phone or email, meet a couple of times, and then ask for a decision. If the couple says No, it's a No. However, when parents are involved, there will inevitably be some pressure as they can't help but give their opinion and advice," she adds.

These days, couples often initiate the dialogue themselves, through matrimonial sites (as parents may not be familiar with computers) and end up being the ones introducing each other to their parents. "I call it an 'arranged introduction', as the choice is solely left to the couple. I feel this is the natural direction in which 'arranged marriages' are headed," says Chetna Johari, 27, a computer engineer who is presently on the manhunt.

"Another difference is that it is no longer only the guy who decides first. Girls have an equal prerogative to do so. Also, as women are now more career-oriented and financially independent, they are usually not in a hurry," continues Chetna.

What are you looking for?

The first thing to keep in mind is to make a list (at least mentally) of attributes you would want in your life partner, so you can focus better on your search. Depending upon your preferences, some factors that might be taken into consideration (not necessarily in this order) are -- job, salary, educational qualifications, appearance (looks, height, weight, etc.), caste, horoscope, values (traditional, liberal or moderate), habits (drinking, smoking, etc.), location, family background, social standing, etc.

Inform your parents

It's best to spell out any preferences beforehand, so your parents can search accordingly and the list can be narrowed down. This way, you will save your parents' time as well. "As I have a non-transferable job in Delhi, I would prefer a Delhi-based match," says Shalini Srivastava, 24, who works with an NGO and is looking for a life partner.

Meeting your 'could-be'

Deciding to marry someone is one of the most important decisions of your life. If you are confused, unsure or awkward, don't fret -- so is the other person. Just a few things you can keep in mind when you meet your could-be significant other:

Dos: Wear something that is both flattering and comfortable. Try meeting away from relatives. Choose a neutral venue like a coffee shop. Pretend that you are on a blind date and try to enjoy yourself.

Don'ts: Don't approach the meeting with the mindset that you have to marry this person. Don't think you'll be sure to hate him either.

Before, during, and after

Before meeting, try getting in touch with the person over the phone or through e-mail to prepare you, to some extent, for what to expect. During the meeting, keep an open mindset. Relax and just be yourself. Don't hesitate to discuss important issues. Afterwards, think calmly and give yourself time to assess. Although this meeting may not indicate if this is 'the' person you should marry, it can certainly tell you whether you want to get to know the person better and take a step forward.

If, at any time during the meeting, you realise it won't work, keep your cool, be polite, and try to keep it as short as possible. "Trusting your gut feeling is the most important -- if you feel something is not right, it probably is not," advises Rachna.

Ask away!

It's perfectly okay to ask any questions you have in mind. But remember, timing is the key. For example, it can be outright insulting and offensive if the very first question is 'How much do you earn, both net and gross?'

"Sometimes, information is not offered voluntarily and one hesitates to ask. But, if the answer to a question is important in taking matters further, there is no harm in asking. Maybe the person you ask will feel offended. But, when you are taking such an important decision, you have to take that risk. Isn't it better that they feel bad now, rather than you feeling worse later?" asks Rachna.

General questions that could be asked once you get familiar:

• Are you ready for marriage?
• How would you describe yourself?
• How do you like to spend your free time?
• How do you feel about smoking and/or drinking?
• What are you looking for in a spouse?
• How much time do you want to decide?
• What are your preferences, in terms of food (non-vegetarian or vegetarian)?
• How do you feel about pets?
• What is your family like?
• What are your likes and dislikes?
• How do you act when you get upset?
• How often will we visit our extended family (if staying apart from them)?
• Do you believe in sharing housework?

Appropriate questions on the profession front:

• What are your future career plans?
• How much time do you spend at work?
• Are you looking for a working wife, housewife, or is it immaterial to you?
• What would we do in the situation that I get transferred?

Background research

Although researching the boy's background might seem painstaking, it is very important. "My friend got married to a very charming boy with a very good job. As he was from a reputed family too, they didn't bother to ask about his habits. It was only after marrying him that she found out he had a drinking problem," says Shalini.
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The difficulty of researching goes up a notch when the boy is abroad, especially if you don't have any friends/relatives to help you out there. This was the case with Asha (name changed), who married an NRI in the US only to discover, when she got there, that he had a live-in American girlfriend.

Thus, it would be wise to make discreet inquiries outside with the help of relatives and friends, with respect to his job, family background, age, education, habits, financial condition, medical history, lifestyle, etc.

"You can get an employer verification to find out if he is working there or not. Definitely check the visa status. You may also ask for a proof of employment letter, request a medical test, etc. Try calling discreetly at an odd hour to see who picks up the phone at night. You can hire a detective to do a background check (this is expensive, however). If you have friends and family abroad, ask them to meet him and find out more," says Chetna.
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Additionally, communicate regularly through email, phone, chat, etc. to get a better idea about the person.

Previous relationships

"These days, it is not uncommon at all to have had a previous relationship. If my partner had a previous relationship, I would try and be reasonable and objective about it. It depends on many factors like the type of relationship, duration, feelings, etc. As long as it is a thing of the past and he is now committed to his marriage, I would probably not mind," says Shalini.

"However, finding out about a potential partner's previous sexual history is next to impossible. Asking such personal questions will seem too embarrassing," says Rachna. "Arranged marriages involve the whole family and private information coming out in the open could have severe repercussions, so some may not openly disclose this aspect," says Dr. Bhaskar Gupta, 29, a pathologist who had an arranged marriage last year.

A medical checkup?

"Both partners getting a blood test is absolutely a must. If the boy's side feels offended, help by telling them that you are convinced about getting it done yourself too," says Chetna. "Actually, it is difficult for the girl or the girl's side to ask this, but I wish every person going through an arranged marriage would have the courage to insist on such tests. Isn't it better to be safe than sorry?" she continues.

"There are cases where, out of hesitation, marriages have taken place without such insistence, based solely on the goodwill of the family. The boys have been discovered to be HIV-positive later," says Dr. Bhaskar.

"A blood test should be made compulsory for couples before marriage. Today, more boys and girls are choosing to go together to a clinic and get the test done before marriage. Some experts advise on making a thalassemia test mandatory before marriage too, for couples in high-incidence states, on the lines of the Goa Government's plan for compulsory pre-matrimony HIV screening," he continues.

Is he the one?

Finally, there should be mutual consent and understanding from both sides; only then can a marriage be sustained. "It is important that you like your prospective partner enough to marry him," says Rachna. Good arranged marriages occur when the parents support and help their children find life partners.