Men v Women: Jealous for different reasons

Cheating on a spouse or significant other is sure to cause feelings of jealousy and hurt in the spurned partner.

But men and women differ on what part of cheating they think is the worst: Men tend to be more bothered by sexual infidelity, while most women are bothered more by emotional infidelity.

The prevailing explanation for this difference is the unique evolutionary roles played by men and women, but a new study suggests that it has more to do with the types of attachments people form in relationships.

The widespread evolutionary explanation posits that men rank sexual infidelity as the greater sin because over the eons they learned to be hyper-vigilant about sex, as they could never be absolutely certain that their children were actually theirs. Women, on the other hand, became more bothered by emotional infidelity, because they are concerned about having a partner to help raise their children.

A recent study found that men feel guiltier after a sexual discretion, while women feel guiltier after an emotional one.

The problem with the prevailing idea was that while men were more likely than women to rate sexual infidelity as worse than the emotional kind in studies, there was still a small subset of men who put emotional infidelity at the top of the list, said Kenneth Levy, a psychologist at Penn State.

This subset seemed to indicate that "there must be something else going on," Levy told LiveScience.

Attachment to others

Levy, who studies attachment in relationships, saw the results instead through the lens of his research and began to suspect that individual differences in how people view relationships could be affecting men's and women's views on infidelity.

Levy spoke of two types of attachment in relationships: dismissive and secure. A person with a dismissive attachment "doesn't see the value in relationships," he explained, describing them as "hyper-independent." Or, in other words, "most of us value our independence, but we also value our relationships. These individuals only value their independence, to the exclusion of relationships."

On the flip side, those with secure attachments see the value in relationships and are comfortable with the interdependency that comes with them, Levy said.

Levy thought those with a secure attachment style might be more likely to be bothered by emotional infidelity, while those with dismissive styles would see sexual infidelity as more of problem.

Sexual vs. emotional infidelity

To test this idea, Levy and his colleague Kristen Kelly had over 400 undergraduate students (about three-quarters were female) complete a standard assessment of attachment style in romantic relationships and also asked them which they would find more distressing — emotional or sexual infidelity.

The findings of their study, detailed in a recent issue of the journal Psychological Science, backed up Levy's hunch: Males with a dismissive style found sexual infidelity more bothersome, while men with a secure style rated emotional infidelity as worse. Somewhat unexpectedly, the same was found in females.

"So it seems to be that this concern about sexual infidelity seems to be tied to dismissiveness attachment whether you're a male or a female," Levy said.

While it would seem like those with dismissive attachment styles wouldn't care about either type of infidelity, Levy notes that this kind of attachment is defensive; dismissive types distance themselves from relationships too avoid deep-seeded feelings of vulnerability. Their concern over sexual infidelity shows a concern about their connections to others, but on an unemotional level, Levy said.

Levy suggests that this attachment model of jealousy could replace the standard evolutionary one, though it is itself rooted in evolution. Attachment is a mechanism that helps people become connected to other people — an important survival technique in human society. These attachments are learned from our earliest relationships, with our parents or other caregivers, and seem to carry on through life, as our most important relationships shift from our parents, to our friends, and finally to romantic relationships.

So it would seem that the attachment styles adults display in relationships were learned from early on, and not programmed in.

This understanding could point to ways of reducing feelings of sexual jealousy, "which research shows is tied to all sorts of maladaptive behaviors," by promoting secure attachment in children or exposing adults to the benefits of this kind of attachment, Levy said.

Source: LiveScience

Manipulate a woman..!

:) Interesting..

How to Manipulate a women
What politicians are to the citizens of a democracy, men are to the women. We never vote for the best politician (for there aren’t any) …we always end up voting for the least corrupt. Similarly, women are forced to choose the one who is the least likely to mess up their lives – which is anyway going around and around in cycles. Period.

MatchMaker tips

Search on and on..

Love & Happiness

A beautiful wisdom leaf from Diatomist Diary

What a thing is relationship, and how easily we fall into that habit of a particular relationship, things are taken for granted, the situation accepted and no variation tolerated; no movement towards uncertainty, even for a second, entertained. Everything is so well regulated, so made secure, so tied down, that there is no chance for any freshness, for a clear reviving breath of the spring. This and more is called relationship. If we closely observe, relationship is much more subtle, more swift than lightning, more vast than the earth, for relationship is life. Life is conflict. We want to make relationship crude, hard, and manageable. So it loses its fragrance, its beauty. All this arises because one does not love, and that of course is the greatest thing of all, for in it there has to be the complete abandonment of oneself.--J Krishnamurti.

while I was away

I want to fly,
but everytime I try,
I fall,
wings ripped from my grasp,
held in front of my face,
testing my strength,
I reach out for a rose,
but I just fell short,
rose was in heights beyond my reach,
destiny had different plans,
poked by tiny little horns
testing my sanity.
with prays for a rainbow to appears before my eyes,
I let the fears go
without much of tear flows,
all because of what i thought i seen,
wanting to fly with angels wings.
wasn't to be this time, atleast just yet..

when time comes

straight from dreams...

...and when that time comes, everything will fall in place, just as I had imagined, just as I thought and dreamed… And just as I believed it would be. By then, I would simply look back and smile at all I have gone through in spite the pain, confusions and amidst the simple joys of life— and I would be very thankful because they all led me to you…
In the meantime, you take care of yourself for me. Believe in your heart that we will find each other no matter what happens. our destiny has planned the course, let's just follow the directions. No you don't need to worry and not to be afraid of getting lost. No matter which one you choose to follow, our path will cross eventually..

Ask for Hand in Marriage

Brilliant Ad with powerful message..

‘I’d Like To Ask For Sinead’s Hand In Marriage’


Thanks to: indiauncut.com

Love, Marriage & Expectations

Question: Is it possible to balance friendship and romance?

Elizabeth Gilbert: It’s so easy to find the balance between yourself and your partner. No, I’m kidding. It’s not. It’s not at all. You know, “Eat, Pray, Love” ends on a very romantic note because it ends within the first two months of a very romantic relationship, right? And so, for me, now, I’m 5 years into that relationship so it’s always sort of funny to me when people come up and they’re… and they still have… just finish the book and they still have this very starry-eyed idea like, oh lovely, you found this very romantic relationship, you know. And that very romantic relationship has now evolved into a marriage, you know, which, like, everybody else’s marriage, is complex. And, you know, it’s much richer than the romantic relationship in the first two months was. But I… I should’ve share to people that, you know, was actually evolved into an actual real partnership now. And, you know, I think that some people were really delighted by the ending of that because it gave them hope for romance, which we all hold dear in our hearts. I think some people were agitated by the end of that book because they felt like it sent a message that… you know. And therefore, the ending is that you have to find a guy and you have to, you know, you have to be loved in this certain way. And, you know, the story was told in a way that it was told simply because that’s what happened, you know. What happened was that I did happen to meet somebody who is really lovely and I wanted to pursue that. I think… You know, I… You know, somebody said, “Well, do you think the message is that you need… you know, that you need love?” And I was like, “Well, I think the message is that you need healthy love, you know. And if you can find that or something that’s as close to that as you possible can, that’s, you know, by all means, that’s something that you should feel entitled to look for.Question: What are your thoughts on marriage?Gilbert: A lot of these questions… I’ve been thinking about it a lot and working on it a lot ‘cause my next book is all about marriage, which is, of course, you know, marriage is kind of the antithesis to romance in a way. And I ended up having to get married because the Homeland Security department got involved and actually chucked my sweetheart out of the country. And the only way I could get him back was to marry him. And I have, you know, for reasons I probably don’t have to go into, really ambivalent feelings about the whole institution of marriage. And so, again, because I have a lot of time on my hands because I’m a writer, I could spend, you know, 2 years doing nothing but reading books about the history of marriage and sort of trying to wrap my mind around ideas about marriage. And… I wouldn’t say that I’m an expert on it but I would say that it becomes clearer to me, the more I read about it, why it is so very, very confusing for people to try to figure out the balance in their lives and between self and other… And again, this isn’t a particularly easy time to be trying to figure that out because those roles have opened up. And men and women can be all sorts of different things in each other’s lives than they could be in more traditional and rigorous societies. The stakes are huge because our expectations for happiness are huge. But the opportunities are also really vast because we have a lot of options and organizing our lives by our own terms. So again, welcome to modern life. I also just think… I don’t know. There comes a certain point in your life… I mean, one thing that’s been really interesting to me about doing all this research about marriage is just realizing how the expectations that we have burdened in this institution with, at this point in history, are staggeringly huge. You know, on every generation since the 1700s in Western culture has just heaped another layer of expectation on what they want out of this relationship called marriage. And it is so out of scale right now. And, you know, there were some survey that… Back in the 1920s, there was a survey that asked college women what they wanted in a partner and they listed all these virtues, you know, reliability, honesty, decency, morality, you know. And somewhere down around 6 or 7 on the list came love and passion. These things showed up sort of low on the list. Prudence was sort up high, you know. And then, in the 1970s, they ask those questions again to women and, you know, the very first thing on the list is, like, love, you know, love and connection and intimacy and then, you know, the other stuff they weren’t really paying very much attention to. And now, it’s even worse ‘cause they ask this question and they say they want a man who will inspire them everyday. Like, I think that’s a lot, you know. Like… You know, or to be asked, you know, to want to… to expect that the person in your life, should sort of almost in this divine way, every single day, inspire you. It’s a huge thing to want somebody to be. And, you know, it’s a huge thing to have somebody want from you, you know. I’m only capable of inspiring people, like, every 3rd Wednesday, you know. Like, the rest of the time, I’m just trying to, like, find my, you know, keys. You know… I mean, it’s… It’s hard. And so, you know… Well, I would never sit down with a young woman and say to her, lower your expectations as a piece of advice for life. I think it’s been really sanity inducing in me, just after doing all this research about marriage to realize. For better or worse, my expectations are really big, you know, and do with that what you wish, you know. But that’s a good piece of information to know. Because we shouldn’t walk around, thinking that this is how people have always thought about marriage or that this is what people have always expected out of their marriages. And… You know, I’m not quite sure how you resolve that but it’s just a piece of information I didn’t have before, that I have it now. And it somehow changes things. When inevitable disappointments or frustrations arise, I just think, what would a 17th century wife think about this, you know… you know, what did my great grandmother think about this. There’s… It’s just… It’s helpful.

Question: How have your thoughts on sexuality changed?
Gilbert: Well… I mean, I think like a lot of women when I was younger. I don’t think I was so much concerned with being objectified. I think I was kind of wishing I would be a little bit more objectified. You know, I’d always been the smart girl and the bookish girl. And I… You know, there was a certain sort of sexual attention that I was longing for. And I was… I was wishing that I could generate… And then, I was always really happy to get and always really happy to pursue whether or not it benefited me to be out, chasing that in a certain way. Well, I was going to say it’s up for debate but it’s not. It actually… Actually, it was not beneficial to be giving so much attention to that. I was a boy crazy kid and I wanted a lot, you know. I’m a very excitable person and I’m a very passionate person. And, you know, just in the same way that as a writer, I wanted to kind of go and roll around in the world and experience it in really huge ways. I mean, I had a big hungry heart that wanted to know love and infatuation and to disappear into the other end, you know. I mean, everything that you could do to try to do that, I did, you know. And the results were fairly predictable. You know, it’s like a lot of messes, you know, a lot of just really messy experimentation with intimacy, a lot of, like, throwing… impaling myself on people on really unhealthy ways, a lot of carelessness toward people and other really unhealthy ways. It’s just a… It was just a big, flat, hot mess, you know. But, I guess, I had to go through that, you know, as many of us do and kind of, you know, see that all out to its natural conclusion and then, take a lot of time to be alone, you know. It’s interesting ‘cause therapists always say that they have 2 kinds of patients. The ones that need to be, like, screwed in a little tighter and the ones that need to be loosened up, you know. And I was definitely one who needs to be screwed a little tighter, you know. I know that, like, that other people’s psychological problems, that they’re too withholding and mine was, you know, kind of the opposite. I had to sort of narrow my margins in order to become sane. And a lot of that, for me, came just from spending a lot of time by myself, which I never done before ‘cause I was always seeking that reflection in the other person. And… You know, I have a really pretty good relationship now. And, you know, I sleep with one eye open when it comes to love because I’ve made such huge mistakes and I’ve been punished for those mistakes. So, I think, when you’ve been through a divorce as crappy as my divorce and when you’ve been through, you know, breakups as bad as my breakup, you’re always a little… you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop a little bit. Like, when is this… You know, is this really… is this real ‘cause this is pretty good but, you know, how long is this going to last. But I also… I don’t know. I try not to walk around, calling trouble’s name. You know, if things are going well, I try to be happy to just let that be well and recognize that if trouble wants to find you, it knows where you live and it will come and knock on your door. But I don’t go looking for it very much anymore.

Source: BigThink

Love (un)defined

Question: Can you define love?

Rob Riemen: No you cannot define love. You cannot define love. For a very good reason, because the most essential things in life are beyond definition. This is why the philosopher Wittgenstein said at the end of his small Tractatus . . . He said the things we cannot speak about we have to remain silent about, because there is more truth in the silence than in all kind of words about it. So no, there is no definition of love. However, everybody which is a human being – and maybe even beyond, I do not know – knows what love is. We know it. At the very moment you experience this, you know what love is. I mean the . . . the . . . the phenomenon, the profound experience that is something that with somebody to whom you don’t have to explain everything because he or she already understands. The phenomenon that you can have this profound trust that whatever happens to you, he or she will be there. And again, the same applies for art and beauty. Let me explain very briefly. We started . . . We have become . . . No. We are living in a society in which usefulness is very, very important. What’s the use of it? Is it concrete? And so on and so forth. Can you define it? It’s all on the same level, because if it’s not useful why should we spend tax money, time, etc., etc., on it? But again Brett, the interesting thing is that the quintessential things in life must be useless – completely, utterly useless. Why? If we want to know what a poem, or a painting, or a piece of music has to say, it is us to be silent. Because only when we are silent we can listen, and be receptive, and answerable to what it has to say to us. At the very moment we think it should be something useful, it can no longer speak. That’s the same way with love. At the very moment you think that a love or a friendship has to be useful, you kill it. So love, friendship, art, beauty can only be life affirming qualities as long as they remain a form of invitation. You cannot force anybody to love you. You cannot force a friendship to be your friend. You . . . It’s out of the question. So again we are here dealing with the fact that the most quintessential parts of life are beyond words. That’s why we have art. That’s why we have music. That’s why we have symbol. That if you really love somebody, you give him or her a kiss. Or you give them a rose. Or you give a book, or whatever. But you cannot . . . You cannot . . . You cannot . . . You cannot say I love you because dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. But again this whole mindset is so much the opposite of a society who is drifting towards, “Love is romantic, should give me a good feeling. And at the very moment the good feeling is there; or if I don’t . . . no longer feel that I can fly, and so on and so forth, the love is over so I have to move on.” Well as long as you remain on this level of absolutely superficiality, you will never find true love. I mean everything will be done on the wings of your emotions. And emotions are like the weather. It changes constantly.

Source: BigThink

Vaccine for Love

Love vaccine?

Would you rather have a love potion that made you more likely to become attached to someone else, or a love vaccine that stopped you from falling in love with the wrong person?
..

This doesn’t mean there will soon be magical elixirs causing you to instantly fall in love with anyone. Love isn’t just a response to raging hormones; our rational processes have something to do with it, too. But drugs could make a difference. In fact, some of the antidepressants now in use are suppressing the neurochemical processes that stimulate romance and attachment...

Soulmates does not exist

That's what one Economist says. Well I don't think we should listen to them and with current market conditions probably most would agree with me that Economists are the last people who we should listen to, specially for social issues.

But I came across this interesting commentary from Betsey Stevenson, Professor of Economics at the Wharton School. She explain her take on marriage and why soulmate is Myth.

Most people think that if you let an economist into your personal life they'll tell you how to re-balance your portfolio. While that might be true, economists see markets at play everywhere. Even in your romantic life.

Indeed, I'm one of the worst guests that you can invite to your wedding. Why? Because while most of your guests are listening for your love story, I'm listening for your contract. While others see a romantic courtship leading to the altar, I see people who are satisfied enough to stop searching for someone else.

Economists simply can't believe in one soulmate. There are too many people in the world and the odds of finding that one person in five billion are, well, you can do the math.

So if economists don't believe in soulmates, why do we think people get married?

Searching for a spouse is very similar to searching for a job. There is not one perfect job for each of us, but there are clearly better and worse jobs. So we hunt, for a spouse and a job. When do we stop? When the offer in the hand is better than the likely offer in the bush.

At a wedding I see a relationship that is good enough to settle down and start investing in.

If you get a reasonable rate of return, investment in your relationship will make it truly better than any other relationship you could have. And that's why I listen to people's vows: to understand what they want out of their marriage or in economist-speak, what they are contracting over.

How important are fidelity, loyalty, generosity, kindness? As an economist I think that a good marriage, like a good employment relationship, has shared vision, common interests, complementary abilities, and gains from specialization.

If you want to hold on to romantic illusion, don't invite me to your ceremony. But if you do, please don't sit me next to your cousin in banking; we likely have less in common than you think.

Source: Marketplace.org

What do you think?

Perfect her for Imperfect me

Beautifully Imperfect

Secret to a Lasting Marriage

good FWD from a distant friend..

2009/5/7 from Nav

"When I was a little girl, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work.
On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage, and extremely burned toast in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his toast, smile at my mom, and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that toast and eat every bite!
When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the toast. And I'll never forget what he said: 'Baby, I love burned toast.'
Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if He really liked his toast burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, 'Debbie, your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides-a little burnt toast never hurt anyone!' You know, life is full of imperfect things....and imperfect people. I'm not the best housekeeper or cook.
What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults - and choosing to celebrate each other’s differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship. 

And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your lives and lay them at the feet of GOD. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a marriage where burnt toast isn't a deal-breaker!  

We could extend this to any relationship in fact - as understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!! "
 

Vision

I came to realize that I need wife..apart from the usual needs (etc.. cooking, cleaning...) when I am traveling I need someone to take photos. ;)


source: photograph for me taking by my dad at Bitburg,Germany

Iam a Director/Explorer

I got to link forward which lead to a find-your-personality questionnaire designed by Helen Fisher. I took it and below is the result:

Characteristics of all four personality types can be found within each of us, but there is almost always one personality type that is dominant. We call this the major personality type. we also identifies your minor or secondary personality type. You exhibit some aspects of this personality type, though not to the same degree as with your major type.

• Your major personality type = Director
• Your minor personality type Explorer

E -Explorer - 27%	N -Negotiator - 24%
B -Builder - 17%	D -Director - 29%

You are a DIRECTOR/explorer

You are courageous; and you seek challenges. You are a tough-minded, independent and daring thinker who likes to explore ideas or problems thoroughly. You focus easily. And you are persistent, systematic and competent in pursuing your interests and goals.

You are also assertive; and you enjoy the opportunities your hard work wins.

You have a lot of energy. You think quickly, make decisions more easily than most, dislike unnecessary rules, and take a rational approach to people, issues and ideas.

You don't often enjoy "small talk." You are generally not interested in pleasing boring people and you gravitate to men and women who are intellectually exciting and get to their point quickly during conversations.

You are not conventional in most of your attitudes and values. You tend to be irreverent and pragmatic and you like spontaneous people. You can be an exciting, yet hard driving and exacting, friend and companion.

You are more compatible with Negotiator(Excels at seeing the big picture, long-term planning and consensus building. An intuitive thinker who is flexible, verbal and socially skilled. Imaginative, empathetic and nurturing.) or Director (Daring, original, direct and inventive. A non-conformist. Skilled at abstract thinking and short-term planning. Often assertive and quite competitive. Tough-minded and efficient). An Example of Director/Negotiator couple is- Bill and Hillary Clinton.

(un)Sucessful realtionship

>>> a friend, who I knew for 12+yrs and from whom I haven't heard from many years after his marriage(which is usually for first 3/6month not after)), got in touch after all those years to inform that he is coming to visit me. and he did. Had fun time taking him around to whatever little place-to-see in luxembourg. It was nostlogic weekend taking about all old days, bubbies,.. I have very high regards for him. he was one of those who's not idealogs, with all good intentions, habits & very highly flexible and yet another urban adult with simple hopes & aspirations. which is why i felt tiny earthquake when he told me, he is divorced now. that was a complete shocker. ofcourse he wasn't comfortable talking about it for any length and i guess that's also part of the reason why he was out-of-touch. I don't know how to react or what to talk about that subject. I dont know what happen but that's kinda confirms my fear/belief- marriage is random act of luck. not much a rational process/act can do to make or break it, atleast not always. anyways, everyone cannt be good to all and he is good to me. I will be his friend without any judgements.
when talking to someone else who knew about this, he was trashing ‘her’(mrs…ex) I don’t why we indians designed to think broke marrriage is broken character.!? Cannot two rational good individuals can come together and go part without anyone been cast as ‘bad-person’.!? 

The Romantics by Pankaj Mishra

The Romantics by Pankaj Mishra, is story about desire of first intimate but short-lived affair of Samar, young Indian student. Books narrators is journey of love & loss as he recalls his days at Benares/Varanasi as student preparing for his civil service career and Samar is introduced to expatriate circle by Ms.West, a Englishwomen who is tenant of same landlord.

Samar goes thru mysterious conflict between his Eastern upbringing, specially ideology about relationship, marriage-- where love follows arrange marriage And his fascination with west, where love is illicit excitingly experienced. Mid Novel soul search leads him to his homeland in Benares and is troubled by the scenes from difficult but still calming memory with good narrations. Author narrator the first experiences of love, infatuations with Western culture with exotic backdrops of "holyland" of India. Book completely and complexly renders love with its pain.

Book's doesn't have any particular point. Its starts and ends with characters flowing in & out. But its a good narration of East meeting West & temptations which comes with that encounter of cultures and for that very reason its an interesting read.