Interesting read:
To Settle Or Not To Settle - That Is The Question
The Case for Not-Quite-Right
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Lessons from Arranged marriage
below good article from LiveMint.com
Last weekend, I was ploughing my way through bad news and more bad news in the newspapers when the husband, who never begins his Sundays with financial news, started reading something aloud.
“Well settled match for daughter 5’-9” Aug 78 born, extremely B’ful convent educated M.A. English, PG Mass Communications, Wrkg as Editor National TV Channel. Homely, believes in old traditional values. Dr. parents high status fmly.”
Classified: Why arranged is still in. Harikrishna Katragadda / Mint
Now, I gave up trying to understand India through a study of its matrimonial advertisements in the 1980s, but I couldn’t get this one out of my head. I think it was the designation that did it. Why would a woman who was an editor of a national television channel, and whose new India job allowed her to interact with the world, want her parents to find her a stranger she could spend the rest of her life with?
Or was she one of those video editors who worked long hours in a windowless room staring at a screen, interacting only with machines, making sense of raw footage and packaging it for viewers like us?
The matrimonial was followed by a phone number and Gmail address, so the next day I gathered courage and called. Her mum answered.
So here’s their story, or at least the little her sweet mother told me before she started sounding exasperated and I hurriedly hung up.
Both this girl’s (let’s call her Ms Ed) parents are doctors; she comes from a traditional Agarwal family where the woman, irrespective of whether she’s a doctor or not, handles the kitchen and does the cooking. Until two years ago, Ms Ed wasn’t ready to get married, but then she changed her mind. Her mother never met her father before they got married, and they’ve stayed together for 30 years. Mum says yes, Ms Ed meets a lot of people in her line of work but she has never indulged in an affair (and if you see the date of birth in the matrimonial, this year marked the end of the carefree 20s for Ms Ed). Mum said arranged marriages work better because there are fewer “disparities of customs, cultures and economic status”. “Disparities lead to quarrels,” she says.
Isn’t that what Raj Thackeray and the Vishwa Hindu Parishad believe too? These days everyone wants to be surrounded by people like themselves. Hindus with Hindus, Muslims with Muslims and, of course, Maharashtrians only with Maharashtrians. So, why pass judgement on an Agarwal girl looking for an Agarwal boy?
Besides, if you believe Reva Seth, author of this year’s First Comes Marriage,arranged marriages can teach women lots about how to find — and hang on to — Mr Right. Seth interviewed 300 women in arranged marriages over a period of five years and says that arranged marriages offer “lessons and guidelines that are increasingly relevant to the modern dating scene”. Some secrets Seth uncovered in her book:
Your man doesn’t have to be your best friend. (That’s why you’ve had a best girlfriend all along, right?)
It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t dance (common interests are less important than shared values).
Sexual chemistry isn’t always organic (attraction can be created — if you know how to unlock your passion).
I disagree with Seth on two of the three points, but then again, I also believe that in this country you can be different and live together.
PS: I’m looking to surround myself with people who agree.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Men. Women. Infidelity
would to like hear diverse views/comments on this article from LiveMint.com by Priya Ramani
A good book always reveals a few secrets of life
My favourite neighbour called me last Saturday after reading the luxury issue to point out that books are not a luxury. He said I shouldn’t encourage people to buy leather-bound versions of rare books just to line their libraries. I hope you don’t do that?
As far as the husband and I are concerned, books are our only luxury, and a key necessity. There are teetering piles all over the house. Recently, we bought another book cupboard to store some of our beauties but now drunken stacks tower over it too. You’ll soon be swallowed by your books, my mother-in-law once predicted.
Of course, there’s no time to read. Many of our books wait patiently until it’s their turn to be held, page after page. Plus I’m biased towards older white male authors who were born in places such as Newark and New York, so it took me a while to pick up my copy of Anita Shreve’s The Weight of Water, purchased a few years ago.
Reading it reminded me that, sometimes, the pleasure of a great new film is no match even for a book that’s been around for more than a decade. A good book always reveals a few secrets of life. Shreve’s book is about adultery, a subject that’s been in the news courtesy Eliot Spitzer (don’t miss Shoba Narayan’s take on it next week).
In a few pages, Shreve sets up an intimate portrait of two couples (one married, one near the end of a short affair) on a boat trip. The men are brothers and, as is wont to happen in small spaces that involve prolonged periods of physical proximity to an attractive other, the wires get crossed. One of the women is researching a crime of passion that took place on a remote island more than 100 years ago. Shreve goes back and forth between the women in these two dramatically different times to show us how some things never change.
Only a woman could have come up with this tale.
“I swear I think marriage is the most mysterious covenant in the universe. I’m convinced that no two are alike. More than that, I’m convinced that no marriage is like it was just the day before. Time is the significant dimension — even more significant than love,” one female character says.
For most men, infidelity is about variety in that time dimension. Different body parts. A quick, fuss-free transaction. An adventurous partner. Visual stimulation. And women?
Women are dangerous. They have mastered the art of hiding their thoughts.
Women can create sexual sonatas in their heads while they are chopping vegetables. I’m not saying that women don’t have lovers. But women don’t always need lovers. They are happiest with their imaginary lovers.
A good book always reveals a few secrets of life
My favourite neighbour called me last Saturday after reading the luxury issue to point out that books are not a luxury. He said I shouldn’t encourage people to buy leather-bound versions of rare books just to line their libraries. I hope you don’t do that?
As far as the husband and I are concerned, books are our only luxury, and a key necessity. There are teetering piles all over the house. Recently, we bought another book cupboard to store some of our beauties but now drunken stacks tower over it too. You’ll soon be swallowed by your books, my mother-in-law once predicted.
Of course, there’s no time to read. Many of our books wait patiently until it’s their turn to be held, page after page. Plus I’m biased towards older white male authors who were born in places such as Newark and New York, so it took me a while to pick up my copy of Anita Shreve’s The Weight of Water, purchased a few years ago.
Reading it reminded me that, sometimes, the pleasure of a great new film is no match even for a book that’s been around for more than a decade. A good book always reveals a few secrets of life. Shreve’s book is about adultery, a subject that’s been in the news courtesy Eliot Spitzer (don’t miss Shoba Narayan’s take on it next week).
In a few pages, Shreve sets up an intimate portrait of two couples (one married, one near the end of a short affair) on a boat trip. The men are brothers and, as is wont to happen in small spaces that involve prolonged periods of physical proximity to an attractive other, the wires get crossed. One of the women is researching a crime of passion that took place on a remote island more than 100 years ago. Shreve goes back and forth between the women in these two dramatically different times to show us how some things never change.
Only a woman could have come up with this tale.
“I swear I think marriage is the most mysterious covenant in the universe. I’m convinced that no two are alike. More than that, I’m convinced that no marriage is like it was just the day before. Time is the significant dimension — even more significant than love,” one female character says.
For most men, infidelity is about variety in that time dimension. Different body parts. A quick, fuss-free transaction. An adventurous partner. Visual stimulation. And women?
Women are dangerous. They have mastered the art of hiding their thoughts.
Women can create sexual sonatas in their heads while they are chopping vegetables. I’m not saying that women don’t have lovers. But women don’t always need lovers. They are happiest with their imaginary lovers.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
Musings of Marriage..
recently landed on page of a soul who is world part yet so similar... we all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same - Anne Frank
comments on Musings of Marriage
to dear Ferreting Fish,
it would be interesting to see-- if you keep this blog for next 30yrs and write about same topic when your son/daughter at same age..;¬)
for sure marriage involves adjustment-- question what you want to adjust? you can compromise habits(may be lifestyle) but not character.
freedom..!!? look at this way-- do you ever wanted freedom from your parents..!? (possible no). ok understood, you need space for ur interesting without enforcement but we human general like interference. imagine you are painter and your hube gave 'freedom' to achieve your fame. but he doesn't care to notice ur failure/success nor any support you thru it..! you will say- he's not caring enough although he give all the 'freedom' u asked for.
that's the key compatible match-- yes we all long for it. but we fail to realize we are not the same person last year or year before nor will be our loved ones in future. as long as we accept changing self and changing others around us it will always be difficult to fit-in. We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person -- Somerset Maugham
and about age-- i thought only female had expiry date (ok,iam not sexiest)) and male too has it in today's marriage market. that's 30s iam told and have to wrap my mind before otherwise i have loss 'choices'.
gotram/nakshatra or even caste/community are beyond my understanding. i dont even have one of those chart paper and not even my parent got married with that thingee. poor parents they don't know what to do when someone ask for the paper/chart/whatever..:L
reading these details-- iam glad not that i had opportunity to be different(rather more normal in a sensible world) but my parents are. not just that they dont want me to visit anyone unless iam sure but infact they are too much that they dont want to be in scene(may be background) until iam ok. problem is if & when iam ok then i dont want them play the community card..;l so its kinda deadlock with either having no clear idea..;!£$^"^&%£$*
taking about parents -- just recently i took couple months break from work and spend time home and realized i have case study of marriage at my home. my parents cannt any different from each other and in today's urban liberal world version either they wouldn't have been together in first place even if not for long. one being educated, individual, well employed(read that as exposed to wide world), with no belief in superstition, social, kinda of idealist, stay low key avoid conflict to any cost, believes even enemy has reasons to be enemy,..
and another with little exposure to world, education, very strong belief in religion/gods and their actions.. opinionated (makes mind and its quite a work to change that). off late become more liberal then the other,.. not anti-social but certain not too much enthu among strangers,..and now add that to complicated thread of family tree/bond wider aunties/uncles looking up for help, guidance, advice, suggestion and criticize when done anyways. for years both had their difference, some many arguments on almost everything especially off late..l)
that's one of hell of relationship but they pull off for 34+yrs and still going strong. reasons could be various factors-- may be their social settup, may be not exposed to alternatives(ignorance is bliss), etc... ofcourse love/care but i cannot ignore-- respect, trust, faith on each other's intentions.
million $ question is: in which part of their relationship they bulit this for each other? also they knowing each other for better part of their life before marriage is big advantage, which most don't have.
so that's no secret afterall. commonsense-- respect, trust, faith on each other's intentions, love/care and similar interest, lifestyle has to fit-in somewhere in that list.
but i still don't know how to & whom to gain that from and how to do that before making big decision of marriage. so Good Luck to me.
comments on Musings of Marriage
to dear Ferreting Fish,
it would be interesting to see-- if you keep this blog for next 30yrs and write about same topic when your son/daughter at same age..;¬)
for sure marriage involves adjustment-- question what you want to adjust? you can compromise habits(may be lifestyle) but not character.
freedom..!!? look at this way-- do you ever wanted freedom from your parents..!? (possible no). ok understood, you need space for ur interesting without enforcement but we human general like interference. imagine you are painter and your hube gave 'freedom' to achieve your fame. but he doesn't care to notice ur failure/success nor any support you thru it..! you will say- he's not caring enough although he give all the 'freedom' u asked for.
that's the key compatible match-- yes we all long for it. but we fail to realize we are not the same person last year or year before nor will be our loved ones in future. as long as we accept changing self and changing others around us it will always be difficult to fit-in. We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person -- Somerset Maugham
and about age-- i thought only female had expiry date (ok,iam not sexiest)) and male too has it in today's marriage market. that's 30s iam told and have to wrap my mind before otherwise i have loss 'choices'.
gotram/nakshatra or even caste/community are beyond my understanding. i dont even have one of those chart paper and not even my parent got married with that thingee. poor parents they don't know what to do when someone ask for the paper/chart/whatever..:L
reading these details-- iam glad not that i had opportunity to be different(rather more normal in a sensible world) but my parents are. not just that they dont want me to visit anyone unless iam sure but infact they are too much that they dont want to be in scene(may be background) until iam ok. problem is if & when iam ok then i dont want them play the community card..;l so its kinda deadlock with either having no clear idea..;!£$^"^&%£$*
taking about parents -- just recently i took couple months break from work and spend time home and realized i have case study of marriage at my home. my parents cannt any different from each other and in today's urban liberal world version either they wouldn't have been together in first place even if not for long. one being educated, individual, well employed(read that as exposed to wide world), with no belief in superstition, social, kinda of idealist, stay low key avoid conflict to any cost, believes even enemy has reasons to be enemy,..
and another with little exposure to world, education, very strong belief in religion/gods and their actions.. opinionated (makes mind and its quite a work to change that). off late become more liberal then the other,.. not anti-social but certain not too much enthu among strangers,..and now add that to complicated thread of family tree/bond wider aunties/uncles looking up for help, guidance, advice, suggestion and criticize when done anyways. for years both had their difference, some many arguments on almost everything especially off late..l)
that's one of hell of relationship but they pull off for 34+yrs and still going strong. reasons could be various factors-- may be their social settup, may be not exposed to alternatives(ignorance is bliss), etc... ofcourse love/care but i cannot ignore-- respect, trust, faith on each other's intentions.
million $ question is: in which part of their relationship they bulit this for each other? also they knowing each other for better part of their life before marriage is big advantage, which most don't have.
so that's no secret afterall. commonsense-- respect, trust, faith on each other's intentions, love/care and similar interest, lifestyle has to fit-in somewhere in that list.
but i still don't know how to & whom to gain that from and how to do that before making big decision of marriage. so Good Luck to me.
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